"Mary, life is tough!"

(That's from the Mary Tyler Moor Show)

Erik, I'm writing you this blog and intend to send you the link to it someday. I don't know all of what I'm going to write in it but it's just going to be all those things that I WANT to tell you but just kind of feel like I can't right now. It's not that I can't tell you things, it's more like right now, it would be either inappropriate or it's too hard or you just don't really need to know yet you might find certain things interesting. I'm starting this blog because tonight I've cried again about how I misunderstood God's intention for our future in our friendship/Sibblingness together. You already know everything about it, so there's no need to tell you, hence I'm not emailing you about it tonight. Instead, I'm just blogging it. No, no one else will be reading this that I know of. Please also don't share any of this with anyone. Well, perhaps someday I'll share the link with my husband and kids. I think it'll be ok for you to share it with your wife and kids someday too if you want.

Basically, tonight I'm finally in the final stage of grief over what happened, Acceptance. Yes, it's partly greif over how we didn't wind up together, as nutty as that sounds to both me and you. Look, I Love you as a brother and friend, and that's all. You know that. But the part of my heart who Listened as best it could to God, the part that didn't want to Believe what I heard Him say, the part that FINALLY was Convincable that God meant what I thought He said in the way that I took it, the part that Believed He would never let me missunderstand... That part still misses you, still hurts because it's dreams were not made a Reality in the way that it had planned. It feels stupid for misunderstanding, and relieved that you've remained my friend who Loves me, in my Life, and you aren't going anywhere. It still, by force of habit, perks my ears up when someone says your name even though they're referring to someone else. It's still in Love with the person I thought you were - it has a hard time believing that it was God and not you until I tell it the Truth for the umpteenth time. It's still broken.

It's in the brokenness of that part of my heart that I've found healing. I had to admit to myself that I was still hurting over you. I started to go through that process the other day, but there was still some unfinished business tonight. Part of my heart was still hanging on for dear life to the idiotic notion that you might ever love me romantically someday, when you finally see what I'm really like. I've been honest with you, yes, but somehow I still don't know that you've really seen all of me for who I am -- I do wonder if God has hidden much of me from your view. Anyway, I had to finally give that part of my heart the reason it needed to finally really let you go -- the fact that you don't WANT me like that. It doesn't matter why. The fact is, you don't.

If you were my husband, you WOULD want me, adore me, and you would never be willing to be apart from me unless I requested it or obviously wanted it. You would be enamered with me! And you would NEVER be willing to say that I don't have your wife's heart and that I'm not her. Even for the purpose of screwing with my heart for some lofty purpose, you'd never say that to me. You'd never let my heart be broken like this. And you wouldn't have written that letter letting me down the way you wrote it -- physically wearing me out like that by telling me to go somewhere outside only to break my heart. Yes, it's admirable that you left me in God's hands, and asked me to Listen to Him. It's unfortunate that all I got from Him was "he'll come back to you" and "You're about to get engaged." What the huh? I don't know what's going on, but between that and Him pointing me to "David" in the Bible and through your Secret Name, and His earlier telling me specifically to add "Marry Erik" to my list of things to do, all I know is that it's tortured my heart the whole time ever since that horrific night you and I both had when we chose not to wed.

Not anymore. I'm done with that. I don't WANT to marry a man who would treat me the way you have. Yes, I Love you. We Love each other. I Love it that this is true! I Like you for who you are, and you've been the best brother I could ever, ever hope to have and I don't have to hope for this because you are HERE in my life! But for someone like me, you make a lousey lover :p Some other woman perhaps could still feel romantically toward you after being told that she's not your wife, after recieving the email you sent me 2 1/2 months ago, after being left to pick up the pieces just between her and God without your involvement in that area of her life... Not me. My heart just isn't THAT big, or maybe it's my head. In fact, it's a part of my heart that IS that big that's caused me so much pain since this happened. But my head has finally won out and taken this task over. I finally realized that my husband will NEVER treat me like that. And I suspect that you will never treat your wife like that either. You will be a good lover to your wife, whoever she is. You have a big, great heart for her, and you've done all you could to be with her as best you knew how.

I was thinking today about what kind of man I'd like to marry. He'll have the Oneness with God, he'll adore me, we'll be perfectly compatable (no worries about milk/meat, etc), he won't yell over stupid little things or argue with me all the time (and show his ignorance), he'll have a great sense of humor and will love mine, he'll see past my looks and LOVE my heart (all of it), and he'll LOVE little kids and big kids too. He'll be fun, taking me places and yet being just as great at home, he'll be a sensative lover in bed and throughout the rest of life too, and he'll share the responsibilities positively and equally. He'll treat me like a queen and won't do it to get anything back, or with resentment. He won't REQUIRE anything of me and will appreciate everything I do, and won't always question my motives. He won't hover over me trying to make sure I do everything right. He won't constrict me. He'll be creative and employed, he'll listen to my heart and my words, he'll be a positive dad, and he'll be able to handle any situation that comes along because God will lead him through it. He won't always try to be in charge. He'll be kind, rather than rude.

I look forward to meeting him. I thank God for your friendship. I do Love you. Thank you for showing me His Love, and for pointing me to Him alone.